Scripts of Pake
S: So, I was trying to bake a cake, but two pages of the cookbook got stuck together with vanilla extract, and then I ended up baking my cake in a pie crust.
S: I mean, pie plus cake equals pake. VoilÃ !
J: We are all just one happy accident away from being a genius.
S: Did you just call me a genius? What if I did? You'd be the first. Well, the first to say it without an exaggerated eye roll.
J: [ Chuckles ] I have a proposal for you.
S: Oh! [ Chuckles ] I'm flattered, but I think you're moving a little fast there, Jonah.
J: The thing is, Stacy I own the patent on the pake.
S: I'm sorry. What? Yeah.
J: Here here's the paperwork.
J: You've been profiting off my intellectual property something that I'm willing to overlook for half of your profits.
S: I think this is the worst date ever.
G: You didn't fill out the patent form?
S: Oh, no, I filled it out. Two weeks before I opened the pakery.
G: Okay. That's good news.
S: But on my way to the post office, I realized my Groupon for lash dipping was expiring, and then I kind of forgot.
G: Stacy, this guy is a patent troll. He looks for successful products that haven't been patented, then files the paperwork and tries to extort the true inventor.
G: I checked his records. He's done it before.
S: So what are we gonna do?
G: Well, he's a small-claims terrorist. And since we don't negotiate with terrorists, we're taking him to court.
S: Thank you.
3) Judge Lyford
D: Your Honor, we have the signed and dated patent application for the pake. There's nothing to litigate here. My client owns the pake. End of story.
G: Nice try, but per the patent reform act of 2011, First to Invent trumps First to File.
H: I'm confused. Um, what exactly is a pake?
S: I am so glad you asked. It is a delicious dessert half pie, half cake. I brought one for you. And it's not a bribe, unless you want it to be.
H: Thank you, honey. I'm sure it's delicious. But I really shouldn't.
G: And I have Miss Barrett's lease agreement dated June 24th for her business, called "The Pakery," which predates Mr. Pierce's patent application by six weeks.
H: Mm-hmm. Mr. Pierce.
J: I keep a journal. I'd like to read you my entry from Wednesday, June 17th.
H: Of course. Go ahead.
J: "Feeling a bit down this morning. I decided to bake a cake, but the pages of the cookbook stuck together, and I baked my cake in a pie crust. It's genius. I think I just invented..."
S: Liar! That's my story! I told him all about it when I thought we were on a date. You are a story-stealing, pake-faking, fake-flirting terrorist!
H: Enough, enough. Uh, do either one of you have a witness?
J: Um, sadly, no. I I create a la carte.
S: Nikki Lepree saw me invent the pake. She even took pictures on her bedazzled cellphone.
G: We do have a witness, Your Honor. We'll need some time to track her down.
H: Okay. We'll reconvene tomorrow. 10:00 a.m. instead of 9:00. I think I may need that extra hour in the gym. Bailiff, get me that pake. We're adjourned.
S: Nikki Lepree is a con artist who disappeared into thin air after stealing my money. How are we gonna find her?
G: I don't know. But we've got 24 hours.
[ Sighs ] S: And photo no.3 is the third attempt at the maple pecan pake. It was so yummy, we knew we had finally nailed it.
D: Your Honor, we were promised testimony from a witness, not a bunch of unsourced photos.
G: As an officer of the court, I attest that these photos came directly from a Ms. Nikki Lepree, the witness.
H: No offense, but that Nikki looks computer-generated. No one's skin is that glowy in real life.
S: Her skin really is that glowy. I swear, it's like a baby seal, even in jail.
G: Oh, God.
H: Wait. Wait. In jail?
D: I'm sorry, but their mystery witness is a criminal? We move to have the photos stricken from the record.
H: I'll take that under consideration and issue my ruling tomorrow. But, Mr. Kent, you should know better. We're done.
S: [Indistinct conversation] I'm sorry. I screwed up.
G: Stacy, why did it take you three attempts to make that pake?
S: Because the pie crust cooks at a different rate than the cake. Why?
G: Just curious.
H: [ Chuckles ] A pake-off? Your Honor, this is a court of law, - not "Top Chef."
G: - It's simple. Mr. Pierce says he invented the pake. Well, if that's the case, he should be able to make one. And if his pake is as good as Stacy's, she'll not only concede the patent, she'll hand over the lease to her pakery.
H: Works for me.
H: Ms. Barrett, good job. Mr. Pierce? This isn't looking good.
S: It's burnt on the bottom and raw in the middle. That's because a cake and a pie crust cook at different temperatures. It took me like three tries to figure that out.
H: Ms. Barrett, the patent is yours.
S: Your Honour.
H: Mr. Pierce, you've got bigger problems. I intend to review every single one of your patents in light of what you pulled here today. No one likes a troll.